Ballad of Big Celine (a.k.a. Dakota Roadhouse Queen)
Gonna tell you all a story,
'bout a woman that I've seen
Who ran a big Dakota roadhouse
Folks all called her Big Celine
But to her face those cowboys
Only called her "Ma'am"
'Cause she had a reputation
And a deadly body slam
She was definitely not good lookin'
She weren't no beauty queen
I think she stood 'bout 5-foot 6
And weighed 'bout 215
But she had the voice and manner
Of a delicate Southern belle
But underneath it simmered a kind of danger you could smell
When we first hit that roadhouse
To play a 2-week run
She took us back to her office
(Which had never seen the sun)
She smiled and had the bartender
Bring us each a beer, and said,
"That's the last one you'll be drinkin'
While you're workin' here!"
Then with quiet courtesy she checked
The contract point by point
Took care of business and explained
The way she ran the joint
"This job can be fun for everyone
If you'll just play by my rules."
But somethin' about her warned us
If we didn't we were fools.
CHORUS 1:
Big Celine, Big Celine
Big Celine, Big Celine
One quietly ominous mama,
Dakota Roadhouse Queen.
Well folks came to that roadhouse
From miles and miles around
'Cause everybody knew that there a good time could be found
Without a doubt it was the finest roadhouse gig we'd seen
And people told us everything was due to Big Celine.
They told us lots of stories about times in the past
When the place had just been Trouble
,
But with Celine that didn't last.
What bouncers couldn't handle, she herself shut down
In such a way that troublemakers
soon stopped comin' around.
Well we couldn't quite believe it all
That a woman like her could
Take on the toughest, meanest drunks
And clean their clocks but good.
Must be some exaggeration, don't see how it could be true.
But one time we found out first hand
What Big Celine could do.
CHORUS2:
Big Celine, Big Celine
Big Celine, Big Celine
One reputatious mama
Dakota Roadhouse Queen.
Four outlaw bikers got in who I guess had never met
Celine or heard about her rules of roadhouse etiquette.
They started gropin' the waitresses,
Knocked cowboys to the floor,
Guzzled people's drinks down, yelled and cussed and swore.
That brought out the bouncers - they seemed a hardy crew.
But against those evil outlaws - nothin' they could do.
It wasn't long before they all lay senseless the floor,
And that's when Big Celine came walkin' out her office door.
She strode up to the biggest goon
And cried, "Oh my! Oh dear!
It seems to me we've got ourselves a little problem here.
I don't suppose you'd listen if a lady begged you to go?
I take it from your language, sir,
That your answer's 'No'?"
What happened next was too fast for the human eye to see
But it sounded like the felling of a giant Sequoia tree
Mingled with the sickening sound of crushing human bone
And there sat Big Celine upon that body all alone.
She faced the big ape's cronies sayin'
"Now, boys, you've had your fun..."
And one of those idiots pulled a knife
Another one pulled a gun.
What then ensued no one could ever testify for sure
But those guys was ground into dog meat
When they flew thru a plate-glass door.
Celine faced the last outlaw who had just the wits to say,
"I apologize for them other guys, Ma'am,
I'll just be on my way!"
"Apology accepted, sir, indeed - it's time you went".
She slammed him into the hardwood floor
Where he left a permanent dent.
CHORUS 3:
Big Celine, Big Celine
Big Celine, Big Celine
One serious ass-kickin' mama
Dakota Roadhouse Queen
She called up to the stage, "Maestro, music if you please!"
She hollered at the barman
"Jim, serve up a round on me!"
She went 'round to every customer saying
"I do regret that fuss!
And I hope that you'll continue
To come party here with us!"
Now I'd have to doubt this story
Had I not seen it with these eyes.
You see some strange things on the road,
But this one took the prize.
Right out of a Hollywood thriller
With Willis or Steven Segal
Those outlaws left on stretchers
And well, sir, that was all.
Now I never heard what became
Of that Dakota roadhouse queen
But she was the most amazing woman
I think I've ever seen
Wherever she may be today, I truly wish her well
And I thank her for the memory
And for this tale to tell...
CHORUS LAST:
Of Big Celine. Big Celine.
Big Celine. Big Celine.
One roadhouse managin' mama, Dakota roadhouse queen
One roadhouse managin' mama, Dakota roadhouse queen!.
Copyright © 2006 R. Palomo, Jr. All rights reserved.